What Goes on When You Close the Fridge

(I wrote this on http://www.writersdigest.com for one of their "Writer's Prompts" exercises this month. Share it with your kids!) -The Big Fisch

Date: 8/9/2005 9:06:12 PM Written By: James H. FischerSubject: Re: Rotten Refrigerator

> Something’s rotten in your refrigerator. Write a scene in which the condiments residing in the door shelves plot to take over the prime real estate on the top shelf, front and center. Will milk be spilled? (And who’ll be crying?)

The yellow mustard concluded his presentation.“So…all we haveta do is get the owners-““You mean the CONSUMERS!” corrected the Barbeque sauce.
“EEEEEYieyie! Hush that language! Mira! You scarin’ the capers!” Scolded the salsa jar. Saucy and empty up top, but she had a point. Col. Mustard tried to make amends and regain control of his volunteer troop. “Sorry about the scary mention, youngsters. But this is a war for the top shelf! It used to be ours long ago, and by the almighty icemaker, it’s gonna be ours again! Can I count on you, lil’ fellahs?”The capers were making a valiant effort to be brave. “Ye- yyess, Yessir!” They responded.“Good! Outstanding! You’ll be remembered as attack group caper if you keep a stiff upper lip… ah, er, whatever it is that you guys keep stiff about you!”
He could see he had their undivided again. “Now, as I was sayin,’ the key is to make the shelf undesirable to the, ah, outside world, as it were. And after we do that, we take it over, after the cleaning-up! Now that we have the basics down, I am open to suggestions as to the strategy. As for my part, I have talked with old man strawberry preserves, and he’s willing to team up with Joe Twizzler to make us a fine rope ladder! In this plan, we can make a frontal assault! Granted there will be casualties…”
“No problem,” said the eggs, with their game faces on. “We live to serve.”
“Man, I wish I had another twelve of you guys!” Said Col. Mustard, in undisguised admiration for their esprit d’corps.
“Again, there will be hardship, but we will take that hill! –er, the Shelf!” A stirring speech, on the eve of battle.
After the cheering and high-fives subsided, a tall, curvy redhead made her way to the front of the shelf. It was the Catalina French Dressing! She never took part in the affairs of the “common condiments” usually, but today was different! She had her own ideas, by the look of her.
“Can I, like, ask a few questions, Colonel?”
“Why, ah, sure, miss! What’s on your mind?”
“A SCREW TOP! HEE HAWW!” roared the soy sauce packets. Jokers, all of ‘em.
“Ask away, miss.”
“As if! Well, like, if anybody noticed, there are, like, some TOTALLY big guys up there! Does anybody have a cluuue as to like, how to deal with them, you know?"
“I don’t have any idea what she just said.”
“Barbeque, listen. I think I know what she’s aiming at.”
“Thank you, Colonel babe. The thing is, like you know, you said how we should think of ways to like, make the top shelf dudes all grody, like? Well, my main squeeze, old man Romaine, is kicking off soon. He knows- he’s all slimy an’ stuff! Well, guys, he said, like, ‘have the mustard dude an’ his peeps like throw me at the top shelf gang!’ And I was like, ‘for sure?’ And he was like, ‘Totally!’ And I was like ‘Ohh, wow…’”
Barbeque was like, “Huh?” And the capers, well, they just stared at her. Fortunately, Twizzler , Colonel Mustard and the eggs listened enough to get the gist of the Catalina redhead’s plan.
“Germ warfare!” They all shouted at once.Twizzler was ecstatic.
“Man, like if he hits that watermelon wedge, it’ll be ‘surf’s up’ by morning!”
“And it will spread to the Milk…” Agreed the capers.
“To say nothing of the salmon fillet!” Barbeque realized.
“Friends in arms,” said Colonel Mustard, “We now have us a plan. We will reconvene here at 2100 hours. And may the Ice Maker be with us!”